Alison, thank you so much, this was beautiful. It didn't take me long to start sobbing.
I had a complicated relationship with my parents foe most of my life, and like Tony they both left this world suddenly, within 7 months of each other (Mum almost 2 years ago, Dad 14 months), and I wasn't able to say goodbye or all the other things one says to.try to resolve past hurts with either of them. The regret and guilt around this is something that I'll likely hold for the rest of my life, and I've accepted that this is my price to pay for all the things I wasn't strong enough to do and say while they were still here. Perhaps my grief is less than if I were super close to them, I don't know, but I do know that grief coloured by regret must be a different feeling. I've wished so many times that I could go back just 5 years to make different choices, to put things right with all the people I've known who've left this world over that time; or even go back to warn them, beg them to make different choices to try to avoid what seems like it may have been inevitable, but at the same time seems like it didn't have to happen. But I wonder, even if that were possible, would they listen? Or would they still be fated or compelled to make the same choices?
I hope I can pass on the following lesson to someone though, perhaps many someones: that although I know that this easier said than done, if you're at all able to then don't let the sun go down on anger, and have the conversations that you need to with your loved ones to before it's too late.
Like your mum, my parents were also ready to go: they both had very difficult lives in different ways, and poverty and poor health really had them ground down at the end. I suspect that they both knew the end was near at their respective times, even if they didn't know quite how close it was. I'm yet to figure out my own beliefs about what happens after death, however I'm comforted that no matter what, they both finally found peace in their transitions, and are no longer suffering, although like you I'm also so sad that they didn't get to have the time at the end of their lives that they deserved, that they will never meet grandchildren, at least in this life, enjoy their retirements, or find some emotional peace and contentment, something worth living for, at the end of their lives. I'm so sad they spent so much of their life struggling, and on the days that I don't believe in any after life, it all seems to have been in and such a waste. On days like that I need to be extra careful to avoid being sucked down into a black hole of wondering what the point of any of it is, when life at times seems so unfair to some people in the world. I pray that there's something after this life to make it all somehow worthwhile in the end.
And they do reassign phone numbers after a time, as I found out this past Christmas when I decided to text Dad, on the off chance that somewhere he can see it. A whole chat history between him and I that's assigned to a number that now belongs to a stranger,
A discovery of another layer or part of grief that just hadn't occurred to me until that point.
The grief will likely never leave (my aunt says she still misses her parents even now when they've been gone for 20 and 30 years respectively), but with time and perhaps therapy, can change shape, and perhaps be used to help others.
I'm sorry that this has been so long, but in all of this I hope that someone can find something that helps them.
Thanks again for your beautiful words Alison, and thank you for leaving comments open.
Thank you so much for sharing Amelia. It's so incredible how quick we can go from feeling alone in our experience to all of a sudden, completely held. You offered me this, so thank you. I wanted to say that accepting their story has been huge for me. Accepting that their soul came into this body and experienced what it intended to and in doing that, evolved in some way. ♥️
This was a moving piece Alison, thank you for sharing so openly. I'm so sorry that you lost your beautiful Mum 💗
Thank you so very much. She visited me twice during the time I was writing this. So beautiful.
A beautiful read ❤️
Thank you sweet Nim.
Alison, thank you so much, this was beautiful. It didn't take me long to start sobbing.
I had a complicated relationship with my parents foe most of my life, and like Tony they both left this world suddenly, within 7 months of each other (Mum almost 2 years ago, Dad 14 months), and I wasn't able to say goodbye or all the other things one says to.try to resolve past hurts with either of them. The regret and guilt around this is something that I'll likely hold for the rest of my life, and I've accepted that this is my price to pay for all the things I wasn't strong enough to do and say while they were still here. Perhaps my grief is less than if I were super close to them, I don't know, but I do know that grief coloured by regret must be a different feeling. I've wished so many times that I could go back just 5 years to make different choices, to put things right with all the people I've known who've left this world over that time; or even go back to warn them, beg them to make different choices to try to avoid what seems like it may have been inevitable, but at the same time seems like it didn't have to happen. But I wonder, even if that were possible, would they listen? Or would they still be fated or compelled to make the same choices?
I hope I can pass on the following lesson to someone though, perhaps many someones: that although I know that this easier said than done, if you're at all able to then don't let the sun go down on anger, and have the conversations that you need to with your loved ones to before it's too late.
Like your mum, my parents were also ready to go: they both had very difficult lives in different ways, and poverty and poor health really had them ground down at the end. I suspect that they both knew the end was near at their respective times, even if they didn't know quite how close it was. I'm yet to figure out my own beliefs about what happens after death, however I'm comforted that no matter what, they both finally found peace in their transitions, and are no longer suffering, although like you I'm also so sad that they didn't get to have the time at the end of their lives that they deserved, that they will never meet grandchildren, at least in this life, enjoy their retirements, or find some emotional peace and contentment, something worth living for, at the end of their lives. I'm so sad they spent so much of their life struggling, and on the days that I don't believe in any after life, it all seems to have been in and such a waste. On days like that I need to be extra careful to avoid being sucked down into a black hole of wondering what the point of any of it is, when life at times seems so unfair to some people in the world. I pray that there's something after this life to make it all somehow worthwhile in the end.
And they do reassign phone numbers after a time, as I found out this past Christmas when I decided to text Dad, on the off chance that somewhere he can see it. A whole chat history between him and I that's assigned to a number that now belongs to a stranger,
A discovery of another layer or part of grief that just hadn't occurred to me until that point.
The grief will likely never leave (my aunt says she still misses her parents even now when they've been gone for 20 and 30 years respectively), but with time and perhaps therapy, can change shape, and perhaps be used to help others.
I'm sorry that this has been so long, but in all of this I hope that someone can find something that helps them.
Thanks again for your beautiful words Alison, and thank you for leaving comments open.
❤️ Amelia
Thank you so much for sharing Amelia. It's so incredible how quick we can go from feeling alone in our experience to all of a sudden, completely held. You offered me this, so thank you. I wanted to say that accepting their story has been huge for me. Accepting that their soul came into this body and experienced what it intended to and in doing that, evolved in some way. ♥️
I just loved this Alison. Thank you for your touching and vulnerable words 🧡
Thank you so very much. ♥️